So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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