All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
