i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
