before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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