How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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