Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
