this beer tastes like vomit already
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
