I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
