Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
