My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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