Heybabeimwearingurpanties
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
