You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
