if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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