I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
