I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
