Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
