i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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