Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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