I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize