you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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