I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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