He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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