i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
