I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
this just has baby written all over it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
