I want to make a zoo with you.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just found puke in my bra..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize