It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I need moral support for this bender
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
