Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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