call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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