Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
