tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
