he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
