My friends, they love my intelligence
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
