woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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