I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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