i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize