I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
