the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
