What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
