saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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