that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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