So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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