**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
