im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Randomize
