So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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