she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
