i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
