I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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