life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
