final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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