i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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