My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
