I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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