a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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