They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
