My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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