Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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