I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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